Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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