I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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