singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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