someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize