Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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