can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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