You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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