Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
