I feel great
I just peed on a car
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
