The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
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