Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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