STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
