currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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