There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I deserve this hangover.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
