bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
