saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Dignity is for republicans.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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