The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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