Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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