Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
