It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
