just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
