We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize