Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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