I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
