u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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