also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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