Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
