I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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