I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
