you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
