I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
