OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
