P.S. I can't hear my feet
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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