I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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