I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
