VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
