I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
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