i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
