nut hugger
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
tell your sister to shave her snatch
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
