i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
