i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
