you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
