Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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