check it out our google latitudes are spooning
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
