dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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