she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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