my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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