remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
