I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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