You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
