if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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