That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
found the other keg... it's in the tree
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
