He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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